SuperVamps! Beware
by Insanity-Chaser
Summary: What's gonna happen when Emmett decides to make a movie about super heroes? And what happens when the Cullens are the stars? Companion story to Potato Sack. VERY Funny! OOC If You wanna be in the story, PM or review me! Rated 59 cos thats ma fave number!
1. Uninteresting Trot To The Cullen House

**AN- whoop!! I already have a few reviews for Potato Sack and I just couldn't wait to writer up the companion story!! I had lots of different ideas for the second story but couldn't decide so basically, I'm going to put them all together in a proper story!**

**Anyways, you don't HAVE to read Potato Sack but it will make more sense if you do. I'll be referring to things in that story so if you don't get it, read the other one, or review/PM me and I'll tell you what you need to know.**

**That's all, so please read and review!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight…**

**Chapter 1- The Journey to the Cullen House**

**Bella's POV**

As soon as I woke up this morning, I realize two things at the same time; one, Edward wasn't here and two, I had a bad feeling in the pit of my pinkie finger that something bad was going to happen today.

I jumped out of bed, threw myself in the shower (while accidently brushing my teeth with mint scented shampoo) while getting changed into my jeans, and a random black t-shirt at the same time having a bowl of tomato tea and iced soup (no lime) (I couldn't be bothered to pour two bowls so I mixed it together) and all in ten minutes flat.

I leapt into my truck by jumping through the window (breaking it in the process) and it was then that I remembered the fact that I had left my car keys somewhere in the house. Damn.

I started panicking after I tried to open the door and realized it was locked (and also forgetting the fact that there was a gaping hole of broken glass in front of me, but never mind that). I scrambled out of my seat when an idea hit me. I crouched on the squeaky car seat and shoved the sun roof with all my strength, snapped one of the hinges off it and climbed onto the roof.

I slid down the windshield (getting one of the wipers stuck up my bum-Oley but then it snapped off the car anyways so that wasn't a problem) and jumped off the hood.

I practically died on the dangerous one metre journey to the front door but came back to life once again as I thought about Edward and his hair and socks and amazing-ness.

I tried the door handle and realized it was locked. Oh crap. I'd locked myself out!

So, I did the only thing I could and legged it to the back of the house, climbed half way up a tree that was nicely placed right outside my bedroom window and climbed to the end of a branch before I fell off the end and landed in dog poop.

Something stabbed me in the backside but I ignored it and carried on with my Very Important Mission.

I climbed back up the tree, but SUDDENLY, a hedgehog quite literally appeared out of nowhere and scared me so I slipped and fell on one of Snow White's dwarfs (I think his name was Albert but I was in too much of a hurry to help him up and ask him his name).

Just as I thought it couldn't get worse, half way up the tree, I got stuck when my pants (as in underwear (it's what we call them here in the UK)) caught hold of a stray branch that had unfortunately appeared out of thin air and I was trapped. Hanging on a tree by a wedgie.

Oh the shame.

So anyway, as I sat there (okay, HUNG there), I thought about that time Emmett had kidnapped me. And when all the Cullens had come to save me and they were all super heroes…well that had been quite…disturbing. But now, I was going to turn into the secret identity nobody but Emmett and I knew of…I was going to turn into Batman-Bella!!!

Hooray!!

So, I decided to be Batman-Bella and swung back and forth and caught the upper window ledge of the living room window which was right underneath my bedroom window. I pulled myself off the tree and reached up to grab hold of the bottom ledge of my bedroom window.

I scrambled onto it and because I couldn't be bothered to open my already open window, I just decided to use the hedgehog (it had followed me up on my great and boring journey) to smash the window open with.

Then, I jumped into my room, tripped over a stray sock that I never remember owning, before looking around for my car keys.

I looked all over the house in less than five minutes before I gave up, let myself out of the Always Open back door and decided to run to the Cullens house instead.

I tripped over 1158 times (I counted) before I came to a ditch and instead of being stupid and doing an Emmett move like walking all the way AROUND the ditch, I decided to be smart and jump over the two metre dent. I took a run up, jumped, one of my feet touched the other side but I tripped on a micro organism and fell doing a backwards roly-poly and landing in the splits while ripping my jeans.

I leapt out of the ditch (after having a cup of Jamaican tea The Man From Over The Rainbow gave me and doing a fabulous handstand) and carried on with my very un-adventurous journey to my poopy-kinz house.

I did a quick cartwheel up the porch steps when I got there and accidently broke the door down when I landed. Then, I tripped over the door handle which was now lying on the floor and I lay sprawled on the carpet for a few seconds before I got up and looked around me.

Everyone was looking at me. Okay, _staring _at me. Then, they all turned around and carried on with the conversation they'd been having before my un-interesting arrival.

"I said no, Emmett," Carlisle said sternly.

Emmett pouted before turning to Esme and saying, "oh come on mommy-kinz!! You'll be able to use your Windex AND say, 'I'm Windex-Woman, I'll clean all you problems away!'" said Emmett in a high voice, pretending to spray everything with Windex.

Esme looked torn between excitement and doubt. "Well, I do love me some Windex," she said thoughtfully.

Carlisle sighed before muttering something that sounded suspiciously like, "Doctor-Mcdreamy has a way better motto."

Emmett grinned before turning to a stubborn looking Alice.

"Allllllll-iiiice!!! You'll have the chance to make us some cosssss-tuuummmeessss!!!!" sang Emmett.

Alice suddenly beamed before running up the stairs at Alice-speed which is faster than Vamp-speed.

"And Jasper, you'll be able to have your very own leprechaun minions! It will be like, a new confederate army, huh, Confederate-Army-Guy…" said Emmett, grinning and nudging a happy Jasper.

"Oh, and Eddie, my lovely smelly sock! I'll get you a brand new stupid, shiny, silver Volvo so you can play your part!" Emmett said to a happy but glaring Edward.

"And Rosie, my dear plastic Barbie-doll! You'll be able to play an awesomely bitch character that suits you just like stupidity suits me!" Emmett said happily.

Rosalie bitch-slapped him and he went flying out the newly fixed window-wall where he landed in the river next to the Cullen House.

Edward turned to me then and really took my appearance in. he had a strange expression on his face.

Then, he said in a very confused tone, "Bella, why are you covered in cuts, bruises, leaves, sand, crap, lip-gloss, glass, pebbles, grass, hedgehog spikes and fur, wearing ripped jeans, dog poop and why in the name of Jasper's yellow emo thong have you got half a car windshield wiper up your bum crack?!"

**AN- well, there's chapter one! Please review and tell me what you think. Should I carry on? Add anything? Have you got any ideas? I would love to hear your thoughts and suggestion and also, if anyone wants to be in this story and be a super hero with your own, chosen power, then please PM me or send in a review!**

**Thanks form reading and please review!**

**~Jade**


	2. Emmett's Plans

**AN- yo!! Okay ma homies! People who want to be a super hero/villain, just PM or review me with the name you want, power and costume! (Please don't choose one that is already done!). Anyways, please keep reading!!**

**Please review!**

**Disclaimer- I own nothing but my evil, mental, insane, crazy mind (where I strongly and stubbornly believe that Galaxy chocolate will one day rule the world (Mwahahahahahaaaaa!!))**

**Chapter 2- Emmett's Plans**

**Bella's POV-**

After I explained to Edward about my very boring journey to the Cullen house, he tried (and FAILED) to stifle his girly-fied giggles, but I want having any of it (whatever 'it' is) so I bitch-slapped him (we do that a lot in this story, don't you think?!) across the face and then yelled in his ear,

"be a friggin' MAN, my lil' lemon meringue!!!" for no apparent reason before hitting him with my shoe and storming away upstairs to Emmett and Rosalie's room.

As I knocked on their door, it burst open and Emmet welcomed me in.

"Yo, baby! I gots a sick new plan for da effin' movie, doooolllllllll!!" he said while doing all sorts of crazy gangsta moves. Then, he slapped me on the back for some reason and I went flying across the room, through Rosalie's mirror and accidently swallowed a rose scented Chanel perfume.

I sat there choking while Emmett jumped up and down; talking like a sheep-printed woolly sock (I have a few pairs).

"so anyways, I was like thinking, we could like, I dunno, like, have an evil talking potato who's out to get, like, Batman-Bella and then, like, Emmett-The-Vampire-Cat (the thirty-ninth!) comes and saves the day! Ooh, ooh!!! I know," he happily rambled as I sat there, still choking. "THEN, we get Mike Newton to dress up as a dinosaur wearing flippers and a penguin costume and Jasper's red emo thong! AND THEN, Mike-a-Saur the Newt-on-a-Saur (AKA, Mike-a-Saur) comes and starts to kidnap potatoes! AND SHOELACES!" Emmett yelled excitedly and with that, he did that weird thing you see on TV where someone barges straight through a wall and there's a body-shaped hole in it, and ran off somewhere.

Then, I heard a scream downstairs. A very, girlier-than-Alice scream. Uh-oh…

**Emmett's POV-**

I ran straight through the wall after telling my homie about my awesome plans. I sprinted down the stairs (breaking a few steps and tripping over an old man called Steve who was actually a nine year old _girl _called Steve) and fell down the rest of the way into Edward's gorgeous arms.

"Oh Edward! You saved meee," I said, fluttering my awesome eyelashes and smacking a wet kiss onto his pursed lips.

Edward dropped me before saying in a British accent, "good lord, old bean! What had gotten into you, chappie?!"

I looked at him for a minute before yelling, "OMC!!!! Edward is secretly British! Come my little chocolate minion, we have to go now!" and then I grabbed him and threw him through the air vent that had magically appeared from thin air!

I ran outside to where Edward had come out and picking him up off the floor bridal style, I said in Edward's British Accent, "onwards we shall trot! Come my little gold penny, we've got to keep the flame ALIVE! DON'T LET THE FIRE DIE, MY LOVE!!!" I had no idea what I was saying, but it sounded good when I ended it in a brilliant Russian accent.

It was then that I had The Idea. I froze, dropped Edward who landed with a _HONK! _And muttered (in a Scottish accent now), "okay, now I need a purple Viking helmet, a red Speedo and a yellow craylola!" before kipping off to Never, Never Land (Wal-Mart).

**Bella's POV-**

I went downstairs after getting the perfume bottle out of my throat with the help of Carlisle (and a crowbar, and that plastic bit at the end of a shoelace nobody knows the name of, a carton of milk, a fluffy pillow with cats on it (Seriously, there was a Ginger, a Tabby and a Persian) and of course, the half of a window wiper that had been up my bum0crack/bum-hole/bum-Oley…).

Then, I heard a low _HONK! _outside and decided to investigate.

Edward was sat there with a red look on his face. I raised my eyebrows at him and give him The Look which comes naturally to every single thing in the world (unless you're a male, in inanimate object or an animal. Woolly socks, dwarfs, unicorns, rainbows and Coco Pops (cereal) can give you the look as well as make you do a dozen press ups).

Edward bravely weed himself in fright (even though he's a vampire) as he looked up at me and suddenly, Snow White's dwarf, Albert (the one that I accidently sat on in the previous chapter) magically appeared from the end of the rainbow and scared Edward so much that he quickly did an orbit of the earth in scared-ness.

I just shook my head as Alice came striding out of the house like all the kings horses and all the kings men. She had a determine expression on her face and suddenly, Edward started whimpering. He looked at me for help.

I shook my head again. I pitied him. "I feel no sympathy for you, my little ginger bread biscuit with beady raisin eyes," I said sternly before watching him being dragged away by the ear by Alice for a costume check.

He was screaming at the top of his lungs and all the woodchucks and deer and centaurs came out of their hiding places to stare.

"Nooooooo! Lucifer's little sister has meeeeeeee!!! Please!! Somebody save meee! Anything but silver nylon!!!!!!!!!!"

**Emmett's POV-**

A-ha! I had dressed up in my fabulous gear-a bright red Speedo, a shiny, purple Viking helmet and I was armed with a pink laser (batteries not included. Styles may vary) - and I looked un-beatable.

Especially with my gorgeous yellow craylola by my side.

When I finally got to my destination (after getting a lot of man meat eyeing me up), I knocked on the door five times and three-quarters. The door opened.

I put a dazzling smile of my bootilicious face and said brightly to the gobsmacked person stood in the doorway,

"Yo, sup' Mike?!"

**AN- so, what do you think?! Do you think I should continue? Change anything? Add something? Anyone wanna be a super hero/villain?!**

**Just review or PM me and I'll see what I can do!**

**Please review.**

**~Jade**


	3. Red Speedo's and Purple Viking Helmets

**AN- Yay! I got so excited; I decided to write up a new chapter!! Anyways, please enjoy and review!**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight but Unicorn-Of-The-Rainbow does!**

**Emmett's POV-**

Mike just stood there choking and so I decided to turn into Emmett-The-Vampire-Cat and save him. I smacked his back and he went sprawling on top of an old lady who had crossed the road but then had a nice heart attack when she saw me which obviously means she's bi.

So, anyways, once Mike recovered from his spaz attack, because Emmett-The-Vampire-Cat had once again saved the day, he looked at me excitedly before saying, "hi Emmett!! OMG, like, I, like, so like, like your, like Speedo thing!"

I gave him The Look that I knew how to give people because I was so not a man right now and Mike died in fright.

Then, I gave him the kiss of life and he came back to life and everything was oaky again so HOORAH!

"Emmett, you saved me!" he squealed before sitting in my lap, batting his eyelashes and sayin in a girly voice, "Emmett, will you…MARRY ME?!"

I gasped before saying, "LE GASP! Oh, Mike-y-kinz, my little AGLET (THANKYOU FAUNAMON WHO TOLD ME WHAT THE PLASTIC BIT AT THE END OF A SHOELACE IS), I would be _honoured!_" and then we ran off into the sunset (okay, we ran off to Vegas and got married before I had a blue, banana baby).

Yay! He turned out to be a boy!!

"lets call him…Polly!" I said happily.

Mike agreed and we went back to my old hous where Carlisle was waiting outside on the porch.

"Carlisle, babe, me and my gorgeous new wife, Emmett, are going off on our honeymoon! Toodles!" squealed Mike.

Suddenly, Rosalie came swimming down the stairs (trodding on the-old-man-called-Steve-who-is-actually-a-nine-year-old-girl's foot) and screeched at me and my bootilicious hubby, Mike, "how dare you Emmett!! Your married to _me!!!!!_"

I said, "LE GASP! I am NOT going lesbo with you sista, mmmhmmmm," before doing the Z formation, picking up Mike (bridal style) and running off to Zimbabewe.

**Rosale's POV-**

I was furious. Emmett would be sooooo sorry! I was going to turn into the gorgeous… Blonde-Bombshell-Beauty-Ice-Queen (of life) and hunt Emmett down while freezing him with my beauty! Mwahahahahaha!!!

But before that, I needed Alice to make me a hot costume! Yay!

**Carlisle's POV-**

That was disturbing.

**AN- woo!! This came out better than expected! Anyways, please review and tell me what you think!!**

**~Jade**


	4. The Mission

**AN- wow, two chapters in one day, huh! I just posted a chapter for Mikes Very Secret, Secret Diary of Manliness and now I'm doing one for this! I'm proud.**

**Please review if you like my story! (Also review even if you don't like it).**

**Disclaimer- I don't own Twilight dude.**

**Guests- Blazing Flames and Faunamon.**

**Alice's POV-**

The doorbell rang just as I had predicted. I skipped down the stairs and pulled the door open, yanking it off its hinges for the second time that day.

Aaah, my two secret agents stood on the porch dressed in…ordinary T-shirts and jeans. I grimaced before ushering them inside.

Everyone was out hunting, Bella was out with friends and Emmett was still on his honeymoon.

"Okay, Blazing Flames, I have your costume ready. It's all black so that your awesome fire power will stand out. Oh, and it's un-flammable," I said happily, "Now, GO CHANGE!"

BF saluted me before marching off to get changed for The Mission.

Then, I turned to Faunamon and said in my best general voice (Jasper had taught me), "I have your rainbow coloured fur cape and matching ears ready as well as a nice unicorn suit to go on underneath. I need you and Blazing Flames to come back to me when your both ready, ASAP!" I instructed.

Faunamon nodded vigorously before scampering off like a good rainbow colour kitty to get changed.

When they both came back, we were on our way!

**Emmett's POV-**

I was having a fabulous time with Mike-a-Saur the Newt-on-a-Saur. He was so much fun!

He let me sit shot-gun, gave me delicious, un-cooked potatoes and even bought me a fabulous pink cocktail dress with a matching bonnet. Swoooooon!

Anyways, as I went back to the tree house we had been living in (three bedrooms, one bathroom, a kitchen AND a living room, plus a nice little garden for Polly to play in), I heard a peculiar sound.

I looked up…and there was Rosalie. I screamed like a man who was really a woman and scampered up the tree and accidently punched Mike unconscious. He fell off the tree and landed on the leprechaun-called-Albert who had followed us all the way from Forks to Zimbabwe.

"good lord woman! I don't want to turn lesbian with you!" I yelled in a british accent.

Rosalie screeched before flashing me a dazzling smile.

"oh no!" I said (still in a british accent).

The evil little sock was going to freeze me with her powers! Nooo!

I cowered in fright. This was the end! Noooooo!

"mike-a-saur! I love-,"

Rosalie screeched again but before she could do anything, a girl dressed all in an awesome black spy suit jumped out from behind the bushes.

Another girl came after her, dressed in an ah-mazin' furry cape and ears.

Then finally…Alice came after her dressed in a pink ball gown with pixie wings!!

Hoorah! I was saved!!

"Not so fast ice-queen!" yelled my first saviour and suddenly, there was fire everywhere and all of Rosalie's ice-queen-ness melted.

Then, the second one with the furry ears said in a happy voice, " I am…Happy-Cat-Woman! I will give you happiness and a liking for cats!" and she blasted Rosalie with lots of cutalicious cats and rainbows and chocolate cake with multicoloured sprinkles.

"Wait, I thought your name was Faunamon?!" said Alice to Happy-Cat-Woman, confused.

H-C Woman gasped. "LE GASP! You've given away my secret identity!" she screeched in a happy voice before bitch-slapping Alice with a rainbow coloured kitten.

They got into a cat fight (literally) until Blazing Flames (I magically knew her name) had enough and blasted them both with flames.

Then, I got a divorce, left Mike unconscious under a tree house in Zimbabwe and we all went home and Rosalie wasn't evil and sad anymore.

But when we got home, we saw the most horrifying sight to exist EVA!

Edward was stood there…it a silver nylon, one-piece cat suit!!

"Nooooooo!!! My eyes! My gorgeous seeing eyes!!!!!!" and then I fell to the floor in horrified-ness.

**AN- how do you like it? if anyone else wants to be in this story, then review or PM me with the name, power and costume!**

**Please review!!**

**~Jade**


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